I have been reading all sorts of books, articles blogs etc about miscarriage in an attempt to feel better. One thing I read over and over is that a loss is difficult regardless of when it happens and this is true of course. I also read that one of the worst things to tell a grieving parent is that they "are lucky because (insert reason here)". That may also be true for everyone else, but not me.
The truth is...
1- I just found out they were twins a week before. I barely got used to the idea of two. We didn't name them or even really imagine them because we were told they were so high risk.
2- I already have a child. I could not imagine the sheer terror that this lost baby was my only chance at motherhood. My daughter has also prevented me from plunging into the depths of despair. I needed to get up every morning and care for her. I tried to contain my tears for her sake. That pressure to get back to normal for her helped me more than anything.
3- I got pregnant easily. Women try for years only to then suffer a crushing loss. I believe that as soon as my periods return I will be able to get pregnant again.
4- I never felt them move. I remember how close I got to my daughter when I felt her move and kick. I am fortuante to have been spared this.
5- I was only pregnant 13 weeks. (This is the biggest lie I tell myself- It wasn't just 13 weeks of course. I saw their whole lives in the 11 weeks I knew I was pregnant. )
6- I have an unbelieveable support system. My mother, mother in law, and three best friends have all been through this. They get it. I also am surrounded at work by women. Not career crazy female lawyer partners that gave up having kids to pursue their career, but by women whose job it is to nuture. Most are there because they have kids and the discount rocks. They may not get it per se, but being able to break down and cry into someone's arms is one hell of a work perk.
7- My husband is not only a fabulous man, but also happens to be a third year medical student. He is as close to getting what's going on phyiscally as a man is going to get.
8- My mother and father raised one hell of a strong woman. I truly believe I can handle anything... blah blah gag I know. Also, my mother specifically taught me that I needed to be my own strongest advocate. When I am lying in a hospital bed, it simply did not occur to me not to question and push back when I disagreed.
I AM lucky. My pain could be worse, my situation could be worse. I am lucky. I am lucky. I am lucky. I am lucky.
I AM lucky. My pain could be worse, my situation could be worse. I am lucky. I am lucky. I am lucky. I am lucky.
*please please do not take offense to these reasons- a loss is hard for EVERYONE. This is what I need to tell myself to get through my day. I am by NO MEANS mitigating anyone's loss if they happen to share my "lucky list" reasons.
