The Ache

I have an ache.  That's probably the best way to describe the emotion.  My true love is history, but I let the fear of hard work, job insecurity, and perpetual poverty lead me away from my love.  If I could turn back time I would get my Ph.D in History ( I would also have danced on more bars in college when cellphone cameras could only catch drunken antics with a hazy dark blur but I digress).  I am acutely aware that I cannot go back and get this Ph.D regardless of what my most supportive friends would say.  It simply is not feasible in anyway.  I can chatter myself out of my sorrow saying that had I devoted my life to my love I would have grown to hate it and despise it as I do the law.  That my love is best left where I can nurture it and use it to escape my real post- JD life.  I indulge my love by writing overly accurate historical romance fiction, but in the calm stillness of the night I dream of lecturing in front a class of college students, possibly sparking the same love for history that was ignited so fiercely by one of my own college professors. I dream of research and diving so completely into a subject that I know it as though I lived it.  I miss that depth of knowledge that I gained when I did even minor research papers.  I never found that satisfaction with learning the law.  Perhaps it is because the law is far more fluid than history.  It moves like shaky ground under you, constantly changing.  History is solid sturdy.  Of course new revelations come to light and new slants are put on events, but we know who was the monarch of England in 1588. (Elizabeth I)  Perhaps it is because the law is just that.  You learn the basics and you keep up with the changes- it is like learning to swim only to tread water.  But history- it is like building a house. You get your foundation and frame right and then you add slowly to story.  You build it and decorate it and fill it with minute details (Charles I wore two shirts to his January execution so that his shivers would not be perceived as fear). Sigh, I ache with longing for my love and wonder if I could have been happier with that path. I ache with regret at not having the balls to take the leap with my love.  I ache with unfulfillment and the need to find my path.